We’d all like to fancy ourselves unflappable Zen masters, but the fact is that after a summer of being shoulder-hopped by the spastic and the uninitiated, even the Lama himself might get a bit…well, flapped. Obviously, menacing glares are no longer effective, and those well-intentioned “surfing rules” plaques we’ve all seen aren’t working either. We know it’s the tip of the iceberg, and that it’s completely unrealistic, but, hey, a Zen Master can dream, no? Here’s a few surfing bills we’d like to see debated, and sooner rather than later:
1. Cut someone off once and you get a look; twice and you get a talking to; three times and you get banished, plus you have the word “douchebag” stitched into your wetsuit. (Unless, of course, you rip, in which case you can do whatever you want. (That, by the way, was a joke.)
2. Cities will be mandated to erect “wax stations” on local beaches that will offer free bars of wax to surfers who’ve forgotten theirs. Hey, if nightclubs provide free tampons in women’s restrooms, we can get a little wax, right?
3. The Department of Fish & Game will finally take action, and Stingrays will be eradicated from the face of the earth forever. (Dear PETA: Please send your angry email to firstname.lastname@example.org).
4. It will be illegal for Hawaiians to estimate a wave’s height using the back of a wave. That is, unless they start to actually ride the backs of waves. (Dear Hawaii: Please direct all “false crack” threats to email@example.com, and no, we don’t got beef.)
5. All surf schools will just stop it. Seriously.
6. Longboarders will be required to adhere to the “Fair Use Wave Count Act of 2007.” If spotted sitting a mile offshore and paddling into an obscene amount of waves, lifeguards will confiscate the offender’s longboard and use an on-site chainsaw to remove four feet from the board length.
7. If a “surfer” is spotted walking down the beach with nine feet of leash dragging behind him in the sand, that leash will be taken from him. He will be whipped with it, and forced to surf at a hopeless beginners’ break, leashless, until he can swim, and thus earn it back.
8. If you cannot appropriately attach a surfboard to the roof of your car, you cannot ride it. Sorry.
9. The combination of spring suit and booties at a beachbreak will result in the automatic and indiscriminate confiscation of your surfboard. Period.
10. Kelly Slater will be ruled a “monopoly” under the United States’ Anti-Trust Act and banned from entering any further professional surf competitions. He will, however, be permitted to “cavort with smoking hot chicks.”
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