Five much-needed reality TV shows for the surf world
Originally published in our July Issue.
Unwatchable reality shows litter the cable and Internet TV landscape. Surf-themed shows are never good, but that’s only because they’ve lacked the right premise and the right stars. With that in mind, here are five pitches for surf-specific reality pilots, drenched in enough intrigue, sex, violence, booze, and drugs to satisfy even the most bored and jaded audience—and that’s just the first pitch.
THE BACHELOR, Featuring Dane Reynolds
We open with a mustachioed Dane, hair tossed loosely by the wind, beer in hand, sitting cross-legged on the deck of a beautiful yacht. Dane sheepishly tells the camera that he’s “pretty sure” he’s ready to commit long-term to…something in the surf industry. Maybe. Just then, a hatch opens and a nervous group climbs to the deck: a few Quik executives, ASP CEO Paul Speaker, Craig Anderson, and Dane’s girlfriend, Courtney. Dane’s agent, Blair Marlin, appears with a silver platter full of red roses. Dane selects a rose, turns to the small crowd of hopeful suitors on deck and…commercial break.
JACKASS: Jamie O’Brien Edition
Assuming we live in an infinite universe, quantum mechanics says that anything that can happen, will happen. Thus, given an infinite amount of time, Jamie O’Brien will have tried to ride every physical object in the universe into the tube at Pipe. And on Jackass: Jamie O’Brien Edition, he will! Watch J.O.B. do step-offs at 8-foot Pipe while riding an ironing board! Or while riding on the back of a magic carousel horse! While saddled on a real horse! Or while assembling an IKEA dresser! (And, of course, while tasering himself.) Watch J.O.B. convince Snoop Dogg to tandem surf with him at macking Log Cabins. There will definitely be WaveJet jousting. And naked Mavericks surfing. On inner tubes.
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP SURF MODEL
From the front row of seats, Tyra Banks glares across a brightly lit catwalk. “Walk it again,” she demands. “And mean it.” Ford Archbold, cigarette drooping from his lip, looks on, bored, but then gathers himself and struts down the stage, shirt unbuttoned to the waist. Flames roar up from all around the catwalk. Ford needs to do well in the fire-walking competition—especially after last week’s masquerade ball disaster, in which he refused to wear shoes. He now sits dead last behind Laura Enever, Dion Agius, and Craig Anderson—all of whom trail Alex Knost. Knost has looked unbeatable since his big win in the thrift store shop ‘n surf challenge, in which he found a youth-sized yellow Levi’s corduroy jacket and a pair of burgundy cutoff jean shorts, which looked great with the purple Michel Junod egg he rode at Lowers.
SURVIVOR, Starring Chas Smith
After the release of his controversial book about the North Shore, Chas must survive a journey fraught with peril of his own making as he heads northwest on foot along the Kam Highway, from Haleiwa to the pool bar at Turtle Bay Resort. His supplies: one Helmut Lang button-down; one pair of red Vans slip-ons; one pair of skinny jeans; one pack of Parliaments. The dangers he will face will be hulking and they will be tattooed and they will be wearing slippahs. Can Chas turn these lions into lambs? Will Chas be slapped off the island?
FEAR FACTOR: G-Mac
Garrett McNamara is afraid of nothing. “If you have fear,” he once told Wired magazine, “you are not living in the moment.” We’ll just see about that. Fear Factor: G-Mac will spare no expense to find out just what it takes to truly terrify McNamara. Sure he’ll ride surfboards made by car companies at a sixty-foot beachbreak and has no problem charging Cortes Bank on a battery-powered Wavejet, but can he keep his cool in a pit of venomous snakes? How about swimming through vats of cow blood? Wearing a wetsuit made of killer bees? Or, most chilling of all, enduring a total absence of media coverage?