Surf Industry Employees Dumber Than Monkeys

SAN CLEMENTE, CA (Nov. 12, 2002)- A recent study has determined that surf industry employees are 30% less intelligent than the average helper monkey. The study, conducted by the Vargas Group, a non-profit foundation funded by a number of Orange County surf industry heavyweights, is widely supported by anecdotal evidence.

In a letter to Vargas, a coalition of surf industry employees, led by a group known as SMART (Surfers Moving Around Retarded Thinking) have called the results of the Vargas study “skewered”. When it was pointed out to SMART founder Jeff Sepoloci, a glasser at a San Clemente surfboard factory, that he probably meant “skewed”, not “skewered”, Sepoloci brushed it off as a case of “anti-semantics.”

The Vargas Group based their study on a standardized IQ test, followed by a series of simple tasks. These tasks were intended to test the reliability, resourcefulness, professionalism and punctuality of subjects. Participants from four industries were included – rocket scientists, Gap employees, surf industry employees, and helper monkeys. A wide range of surf industry employees were included in the study, including sales reps, surf shop workers, shapers, glassers, professional surfers, and industry executives.

Jim Laddy, head researcher at the Vargas Group, admitted that the results of the study surprised even the most jaded surf industry insiders. “Mainstream perception is that surf industry employees are of below average intelligence and abilities,” explained Laddy. “However, we felt that surf industry employees must be smarter than they are given credit for. We hoped to confirm this hypothesis through our study. No one ever really expected that surf industry employees would score lower than all other groups – let alone the helper monkeys.”

Other industry watchers expressed concern about the validity of the testing. Jack McCarthy, 32, a sales-rep and former competitive surfer, voiced one of the key complaints. “You have to look at who they tested, bro. They tested too many glassers, sanders, and shapers…I mean, they’re classic, those guys, total bros,” said McCarthy. “But I’m confident that we could have taken those helper monkeys head to head if they tested more sales-reps and team managers, and at least left out glassers. Good to see you bro, right on, lets go sesh sometime.” — Lewis Buchwald for AP