More Sharks Coming

Global warming means shark attacks are forecast to rise

| posted on June 30, 2014
Warmer water means more opportunities to say

Warmer water means more opportunities to say “hello.” Photo: AP

How’s your anxiety-level when it comes to global warming? (note, correct answer should read: “skyrocketing”) Rising seas, famines, droughts, killer storms—Lord knows, there’s plenty to fear already, even without the increased threat of shark attacks in coming years.

What’s that about sharks you say? That’s right, being eaten by a shark must now be added to the “Shit That Might Kill You Because of Global Warming” list.

Scientists at the Florida Program for Shark Research (FPSR) have unapologetically announced, with no regard for any galeophobics out there, that they expect more shark attacks this year than last. A warmer climate means warmer water in coastal areas normally too bone-chillingly cold to be swimmer and surfer friendly. The theory goes something like this: warmer oceans + more people spending more time in the water + healthy shark populations = greater chances of a whole lot of worst fears being realized.

At least one part of that equation is actually a good thing. The number of great whites seem to be on the rise along American shores, particularly near California. The FPSR recently wrapped up a study that showed there were at least 2,400 great whites terrifying the food chain off the West Coast. That number is far higher than many expected; it also means that as bad as things are getting for the health of the oceans, they’re still supporting population growth for the sea’s number-one predator.

So next time your paddle out is made a bit more pleasant by a little bump in water temps, remember the little bump in shark attacks that’s going right along with it.

  • DumbDumb

    Hey, whatever it takes to clear the kooks from El Porto, I’m all for it.

    • Stripper

      Yes, indeed, the new criteria used to determine fitness for continued existence is a devout adherence to surfing etiquette.

      The world wonders and waits on the edge of it’s collective seat for it’s self-appointed leader to release applicable guidelines.

      But please, if you would be so kind to answer this question;

      Does dropping in one someone once, automatically result in a kook classification, or shall you deem that a three strike paradigm instituted in the name of conserving space on the waves for you and your pals who have clearly never stepped on any ones toes or cut anyone off on the water or on land.

      Will those who are bequeathed the honor of surfing with thee in person be held to the same code of wave riding conduct, or will favoritism taint the impartiality of your little waterworld oh great King Neptune II?

      And this leads to other queries as as well;

      How will you address the nagging issue of body boarding, body surfing and casual swimmers?
      Do you have a final solution for it?

      Who will be the judge in cases where the dropper claims to simply not have seen the dropee?

      Will the mortal Gods of surfing who are in the lol “league” and competing on a world class level, retain their elite status and be diplomatically immune to/from all charges of kookism?

      And for the masses of serfs/surfs who are not in that select group, have you chiseled into stone a criteria for the classifications you shall place them in, or will it be more of a he said/she said based Mengelian one glance, move to the right or left “process?”

      One wonders if a simple and less severe lifetime banishment from the ocean would not be a more humane and appropriate manner of reforming the dispicable sub-human kooks?
      Or have you already proclaimed “them” to be incorrigible?

      Or do you also hold them accountable for the rest of the ills of the world….. and therefore see your surfing behavior based culling apparatus as a viable means of addressing overpopulation, pollution, famine, global warming, greed, religious persecution, hate, racism, bigotry and general discord amongst your subjects?

      In any case, at least you won’t be choking the atmosphere with ash from the ovens as your proposed methodology of disposal of the inherently unworthy is implemented.

      So let’s not sell our full body suits on e bay just yet.

  • Mark Gregory

    The FUD is strong with this one.

  • Esteban Lopez

    We have already started to see deep sea creatures found in remote areas . Scientists have not been able to explain this phenomenon away. So yes with traumatic changes to the earth you can continue to expect many unexpected and unexplained occurrences. It’s Sad to see how we have treated our resources and environment on this earth.

  • DumbDumb

    just laugh Nom Nom! Everyone knows sharks only bite when you touch their private parts 😛

  • kindone

    but what about the positive’s of global warming? warm water and increased NPAC swell activity. that’s why i drive an unregistered beater that belches a hundred times more pollution than a hummer and buy the cheapest chinese made shit.

  • Earth Fister

    With the rise of the pagan earth worshiping religions it’s only “natural” to see humans sacrificed to the gods.

    • Stripper

      Dumbdumb is actually King Neptune II

  • Stripper

    He named himself very well….

  • Kayla

    Actually shark populations are declining. Maybe instead of fearing all of these people with an inaccurate post like this you should be informing them with the facts about sharks and how we need them. “heathy shark populations”? not even close! 100 million sharks are dying every year and they are only accountable for about 5 deaths per year.