Article

After the Apocalypse

In case the Mayans are right...

| posted on December 19, 2012

Photo: Maassen

KELLY SLATER

STRATEGY: “I’d stay in the old military fortress on the hill above Rocky Point, trap wild boar, and eat coconuts—and occasionally a haole or two. Then the locals won’t think I’m out to get them…As for the other surfers, they think I’m the nice guy and I’m not as big as Michel or Kaiborg, so I’ve gotta use that as my strength to get in range. I don’t really want to kill anyone, but I can do whatever I want once my sound weapon is in effect.”

LIKELY RESULT: Slater goes to the old bunkers on the hill. It’s been weeks since he ate his last haole. He’s hungry, and misses his audience and iPhone. He keeps composing Tweets in his head, only to sadly remember the only people following him now are trying to kill him.

While foraging for coconuts, the Champ is snared in a boar foot trap. He writhes in pain, clawing at the metal cable. For a moment, he wishes he chose a more practical weapon, like a hacksaw or gun. But negative thinking loses heats, so Kelly quickly refocuses his mind. He hears a rustle in the bush, coming from the direction of the old bunkers.

Mark Healey emerges from the underbrush, his skin coated in dark mud, the whites of his eyes burning like non-environmentally-friendly incandescent bulbs. It turns out Healey has been hiding in the same old bunkers Kelly chose as his retreat. Healey has a rifle, but a limited amount of ammunition, so he is hesitant to use his bullets unless necessary.

As Healey approaches, Slater reaches for his sound weapon. Mark pauses for a split second, curious. He has Kelly trapped, and how much of a threat is Slater out of the water? Kelly inches his finger toward the activation button. In a flash, Healey remembers all Kelly’s last-minute comebacks at Pipe. He cannot be underestimated, even after the Apocalypse. There’s no reason to go down smiling, like Machado did in ’95. Healey raises his rifle and shoots Slater between his beautiful eyes.

TIME OF DEATH: 69 DAYS A.A.

  • Jimmy the Saint

    I think this was in “The Big Issue”, usually I enjoy the author’s work, but this struck me as pure filler… Pointless nonsense and not related to surfing in any other way than the fact that the guys being discussed are Professional Surfers. Having said all that my money would be on Mark Healy to be the last man standing.

  • wyatt

    Awesome and well-timed piece about surfers’ preferred guns. Not much discussion elsewhere at the moment about rifles, machines guns (dead children) etc., so good to see here.

    THANKS SURFER MAG!

  • Shaun

    Slow clap for Surfer Mag.

    Might not be a bad idea to take current events into consideration before allowing something like this to be posted.

  • Oceanick

    Absolutely fantastic, the hilarious level of wit Surfer puts into its articles keeps me coming back for more. Bravo.

  • patrick

    classy surfer

  • Doo Doo

    Nice photo of Healey by Foley there. Looks like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now; getting reading to kill the Colonel.

  • Jimmy the Saint

    Ah come on guys, I didn’t like the piece, but let’s be fair to Surfer, I am sure offence wasn’t given by the timing of the piece, though offence may have been taken. This has nothing to do with what happened in the school and in my mind the timing is ok to put this out, when else can you put it out, definitely not after Friday!

  • Derek Loin

    I for one thought it was creative and funny. Keep writing author.

  • wyatt

    Jimmy – In answer to your “when else can you put it out” question, I’d offer “how about never.” Some things are bigger than a Surfer Magazine. Even the edgiest of comics are setting their gun material aside right now – however unrelated to the shooting of 20 kids. I don’t really care what Kai Garcia’s weapon of choice is, but do I need to know it’s an AK-47 RIGHT NOW???

    I can forgive the utter unfunny-ness of this concept/execution, but the timing? Bad bad bad. If anyone gave a crap about surfers/Surfer Mag, they would be pissed off. But all involved will be spared by the “bro-law” (bro, chill, it’s no biggie) that governs our culture.

  • Theo

    Awsome !!!

  • gannysesh

    Pretty sure I heard Dorian comment during the Pipe Masters that one of the animals he bowhunts is goat. Goat. You know, those animals that just stand there and eat grass. So I dunno – seems like if/when the apocalypse hits, he might have some trouble hunting all the scared-crapless animals and people.

  • Dang3rtown

    Best article ever. Well done sirs, well done.

  • João

    Stupid article. You are a surf magazine, talk about surf. Explain me why the WCT as less level of surfing than the surfing we are watching everyday in the sites… why Jordy and Julian surf 50% of their surfing in the CT to get thru them heats… how guys like Yadin nichol, or Dusty pain get out… this is what you have to talk about…
    Do you think the end of the world is funny?? So, you must be stupid like this article.

  • Jimmy the Dong

    Always good to see surf media firstly being oblivious to what is happening outside the ‘bra-boy bubble’, and secondly avoiding real stories and issues affecting the surf community.

    The only time surf mags understand the term ‘sensitivity’ is when it applies to a piece that could ruffle feathers and affect ad sell and income.

    If Surfer wanted to tie the potential apocalypse into an issue facing the surf community, why not have a look at next year’s tour and the loss of top spots, the upcoming take-over by ZoSea and how the desired addition of surfing to mainstream/ pop/ retard culture will effect surf spots and crowds…

    Wait, that would require ACTUAL journalism and stepping on toes…my bad…

    As you were…

    “Yeah, High Fives!” – Ice and automatic rifles as a humor piece at a time when many people are questioning senseless violence…yeeeew!

  • Jimmy the Saint

    Right, this is the last comment I will do on this article, I promise… In my humble opinion there is a really great article here about how Surfers are the pure breed, the chosen ones, the outliers, that through facing adversity day in day out in the water have made themselves (in Bruce Springsteen’s words) “tougher than the rest”

  • Dante Rondo

    I think this was one of the dumbest and most pointless articles i have ever read in Surfer Mag. Pure sensationalism to say the least.Really ! Come on ! If there ever was an Apocalypse…Do you think any of us would care how and if any of these surf stars would survive it ? We would be concerned most about our family and close friends and in the greater circle of humanity itself ! Come on Surfer Mag. ! Get more intelligent writers to write more pertinent articles with more heart and soul ! I am surprised that a man as intelligent as Kelly Slater is/seems would even participate in such a lame piece of journalism ! And Kai Garcia take your AK-47 and stick it up your a.. and pull the trigger !!! What a lame and arrogant statement this guy makes ! Is there any grey matter between his ears ?

  • http://surfer.com mattie3times

    I’m no pussy but this article is really insensitive.
    the last thing we as surfers need to be doing is associating ourselves with violence. especially after what’s happened the last few weeks.

    it’s no surprise to anyone but this proves that not only are these surfers a bunch of idiots, so are the writers and editors at Surfer.

    take this article down.

  • JimmyJimJim

    Stop being fairys it was like an episode of the surfer hunger games, awesome stuff I enjoyed reading the hypotheticals and Im not going to take it to heart, wwwwaaaahhhhh insensitive wwwwaaaahhhhh get over it putas

  • http://www.yankaus.com MIk

    mmm. no. we don’t need guns. we dont “need” to kill people or animals. ok. maybe fish. but it can stop there. there’s too much time wasted on talking about violence. it has nothing to do with manliness in 2012. the violence culture is a cancer. there’s 26 families on the East Coast where there is no happiness this Christmas. the light of their lives was put out. 20 dead 6 year-olds!!!!! there is nothing sadder than this. nothing. find something else to write about Lewis Samuels. and whatever religion you are following? find something better. it’s not doing you any good.

    Surfer doesnt need violence to sell magazines. either.

    Surfers are not attracted to violence.

    They’re attracted to happiness, the power of the ocean, and?

    and beauty.

    nothing violent about that.

  • Bushy

    I do not live in the US and therefore don’t have easy access to weapons, so I’m going to go with bad breath and colourful language.

  • Shaun Robinson

    Haha leave it to Slater to come up with a genius idea like a human sound machine.He could even dress up like a bat and soundwave his enemies to the apocalypse of hell! Great Article @ Surfer Mag thx for the laugh!

  • Paul

    Very stupid