corndogging

Brought to You By Laird

Five products that Laird Hamilton should really get behind

| posted on November 28, 2016
The power of Laird.

The power of Laird.

Laird Hamilton recently popped up in an advertisement for Land Rover, where he did some mild off-roading, adjusted the seats from the lineup using his phone, and stood triumphant as a Greek god upon his SUP, of course. In the world of product endorsement, this ain’t Laird’s first rodeo. He’s done American Express, Mazda, Davidoff cologne, and something called a Golf Board—a product that makes a Segway look about as cool as a Harley Davidson. And it makes sense that these brands want Laird—he charges massive waves, he’s classically handsome, and he’s strong enough to put a T-Rex in a sleeper hold. Laird could probably sell just about anything, which is why I think he’s selling himself short with all these easy products. If he really wanted to put his endorsement abilities to the test, he’d take aim at one of the following. Your move, Laird.

 

Because everyone knows that reading on land is for kooks.

Because everyone knows that reading on land is for kooks.

Tubular Waders
Laird pioneered tow-surfing in 60-foot waves, mastered riding unbroken swell via hydrofoil, and rode the thickest wave mankind had ever seen at Teahupoo in 2000. Clearly, he’s the master of aquatic environments, and that cred is just what this inner tube/wader-hybrid company needs to get these things into lineups everywhere. Can you picture Laird hanging in his wader tube in the Teahupoo lagoon, reading the latest copy of Men’s Fitness, right before paddling out and catching the biggest bomb of the day? If that doesn’t move inventory, I don’t know what will.

 

Fashion meets function meets wtf.

Fashion meets function meets wtf.

Solar-Powered Fan Hat
This strange head cover offers both shade and a refreshing breeze, with a small fan that can be powered by everyone’s favorite star. The perfect partner for the Golf Board, this fan hat could see Laird cornering the highly-coveted surfy golfer market. And Laird could even help popularize yellow hats for males while he’s at it—no small task, even for the best.

 

Does this burger come with a side of cancer?

Does this burger come with a side of cancer?

Exhaust Grill
Did you know that every day, when you drive to lunch, you’re not only polluting the atmosphere, but you’re also wasting countless joules of useful heat energy pouring out of your exhaust pipe? Well, the exhaust grill could help you kill two birds with one stone, using a savory slab of meat to not only filter out all that pesky carbon, but to cook the hell out of a protein-packed meal in the process. As a man who cares about maintaining both healthy oceans and a convenient protein source, Laird would knock this one out of the park.

 

Ostrich Pillow
The life of a big-wave surfer is in constant motion, spotting swells online and grabbing the next red-eye flight to chase them down. None of this is very conducive to a normal sleep schedule, which is why the Ostrich Pillow could change the game for wave seekers everywhere. Designed to make you feel like you’ve buried your head in the sand, the Ostrich Pillow enables the wearer to block out the world entirely while they catch some z’s—the blocking part is doubly important to shield from inevitable ridicule as well. Is Laird the one man capable of making this ridiculous cotton helmet appealing to surfy consumers? You better beieve it.

 

The tech world has combined breakfast and printing in ways we never knew we wanted.

The tech world has combined breakfast and printing in ways we never knew we wanted.

Toast Printer
Last but not least, the toast printer is the Great White Whale of endorsement opportunities. Few have tried to market this highly niche office supply, and none have succeeded in doing so. But this is Laird we’re talking about. If anyone can put a slice of bread into a printer, make toast while printing out important documents that for some reason cannot be emailed, and look powerful while doing so, it’s Laird. God bless him.

[Editor’s note: “Corndogging” is a satirical column in which we take serious surf issues, dunk ’em in the ocean, and roll them around in the sand for awhile.]